Story Behind The Song

My son recently took his own life. He suffered from depression and anxiety for a number of years. When he died, we were devastated. I kept wondering "what if" this or "what if" that...so many "what ifs" that maybe would have resulted in a different outcome. We didn't know how much he was suffering, or how to help him. We also didn't know how to talk about his illness with our family and friends. As part of the grieving/healing process, I wrote lyrics about my feelings for my son and the tragedy of his death. I hoped these words would be put to music and recorded with proceeds going toward an organization focusing on mental health disease (MHD) and/or suicide prevention. If we can raise awareness and save one soul, then that is one less family that has to suffer the loss of a loved one. That's my purpose. I can never bring my son back, but pursuing this goal in his memory, helps me go on.

Song Description

The mother wrote the lyrics to this song as part of her grieving and healing process. Richard Paul Thomas was contacted by a mutual friend to write the music and produce the recording and associated lyric video.

Lyrics

"What If" - My Song to Zac

Nothing special happened on that morn,
Seemed like any other day.
You were up and moving early but
I didn't stop to say.

"Son, how are you feeling?
What does your day have in store?"
I didn't know how our lives
Would change forevermore.

"What If" keeps running through my mind,
Torturing my brain,
If we had known the hurt you felt,
The level of your pain,

Would that have made a difference?
Would you be here today?
So, I could wrap you in my arms
And whisper "it's ok".

Looking back, I see it clearly,
You slowly pulled away.
You didn't want to talk to me
I didn't know what to say.

I knew I shouldn't push too hard.
Thought it best to let you be.
Now I wish I'd made you share
Your pain and misery.

"What If" keeps running through my mind,
Torturing my brain,
If we had known the hurt you felt,
The level of your pain,

Would that have made a difference?
Would you be here today?
So, I could wrap you in my arms
And whisper "it's ok".

I want you back! I need you back!
I can't believe you're gone!
Will this nightmare ever end?
Can we ever right this wrong?

I want you back! I need you back!
I feel such guilt and pain!
I want to laugh and smile again.
Will life ever be the same?

I love you son with all my heart
I know that you're at peace.
Your pain and suffering's over now
Your dark storms have ceased.

You rest in our Lord's loving arms,
Of this there is no doubt,
And when I'll see you again someday
We'll laugh and sing and shout!

"What If" keeps running through my mind
Torturing my brain,
If we had known the hurt you felt,
The level of your pain,

Would that have made a difference?
Would you be here today?
So, I could wrap you in my arms
And whisper "it's ok".

I want you back! I need you back!
I can't believe you're gone!
I want you back! I need you back!
Can't wait to wrap you in my arms.


© 2021 Lyrics: Cheryl Maxwell - Music: Richard Paul Thomas
Captured Rainbow Music ASCAP