Story Behind The Song

Inspired by the poetry and writings of Max Scratchmann - author, poet and performer from Scotland.

Lyrics

You tell me you're in agony, in pain and close to death
You told me that the last time, you were only short of breath!
This is my vocation folks and really truth to tell
I'd love to meet a patient who complains he's fit and well!

Everyday there's quite a few who in all honesty
Believe they have contracted every possible disease
Then I disappoint them when I tell them it's the flu
And that 'hypochondria' will be the death of you!'

I used to have a patient whose feet were black and bruised
He said he'd run a marathon in someone else's shoes
He asked for a prescription - so I signed it right away
They haven't found a vaccine yet for rank stupidity!

Don't blame the doctor if we can't ease the pain
An apple a day? well - you know what they say!
Don't blame the doctor if you can't take the strain
For you know and I know it's true...
The only thing that's wrong with you...is you!

Remember all those voices Doc, I heard inside my head?
They've all gone quiet now but I'm full of fear and dread!
I said, 'Hey what's the problem - you're cured; don't feel bereft!
But Doctor don't you realise.. I must be going deaf!

Don't blame the doctor if we can't ease the pain
An apple a day, well - you know what they say!
Don't blame the doctor if you can't take the strain
For you know and I know it's true...
The only thing that's wrong with you...is you!

(Instrumental)

Don't blame the doctor if we can't ease the pain
An apple a day, well - you know what they say!
Don't blame the doctor if you can't take the strain
For you know and I know it's true..
The only thing that's wrong with you...is you!

I wish there was an antidote for every waif and stray
Who turns up at my surgery to pass the time of day
Maybe I should show a little care and sympathy
Call the Doctor! There's something wrong with me!