Song Description

Elves and reindeer team up with Mrs. Claus in an uprising against Santa, addressing his unfair labor practices, speciesism, racism, misogyny, and sexism.

Lyrics

Santa filled my stocking up with dust
And in my breakfast bowl
Nothing but a big chunk of pudding crust
Scraped from the bottom of Rudolph's trough
Most off-putting, gag-inducing,
Oozing with a glowing red goo

That's not to say it's not okay to be a reindeer
Just the snot gets in the way of an already paltry meal
Reindeer themselves most elves feel to be our allies
Though there are those who fail to see
(Their sight obscured by bigotry)
Through the lens of intersectionality
The similarity between their and our captivity.

Well, I for one have had enough
of these power dynamics
I'm gonna cut in line to see Santa,
shut him up and give him a piece of my mind,
Tell him: who do you
think you are?
who do you think I am?
I'm not some ceramic garden gnome
I'm a living, breathing elf, man!
Man, oh,

Jingle bells
Jingle bells
Jingle your own damn bells, damn bells
Jingle your own bells
Tinker away at your toys
And fly your sleigh
Without exploiting the reindeer
and elves
and elves
and elves

Old Saint Nicholas stuffs his ruddy face
with jumbo gelatin-laced marshmallows as big as mugs
And he chugs hot cocoa from gigantic jugs
And he makes a crude analogy
to Mrs Claus's anatomy;
How she puts up with his misogyny and stays kindly
is a mystery to me!

She's an inspiration to us all
Whenever Santa's at the mall
Our labor shifts from free to fair
She pays us out our proper share
She has her hubby's chefs prepare
A wholesome feast of vegan fare
And over cupcakes we compare notes
As we plan the revolution

Nutmeg and Holly volunteer
to lead the popcorn ball volley
Hopscotch and Foxtrot and their teams
load up their slingshots
with royal riviera pears
And pairs of reindeer
line the entryway

When Santa barrels through the door
in the morning,
caterwauling carols
reeking of the sauce and apple fritters
his weakened cognitive and motor skills
leave him at a loss
at the sight of
fruit in flight,
confections being tossed--
in a moment,
he is falling, then
caught by reindeer
in midair
wrapped up
in tinsel
propped up
in his chair

Then the littlest elf hops up on his lap
and presents a big bright bow
and we're all silent
as they stare at one another--
time stands still...
until...
the littlest elf
slaps the bow on Santa's mouth and says

We've all had enough
of these power dynamics
Tired of waiting in line!
It's our turn to speak our minds:
Who do you
think you are
to treat us like you do?
We're not claymation figures
We're alive
and every bit as good as you!

Jingle bells
Jingle bells
Jingle your own damn bells, damn bells
Jingle your own bells
Tinker away at your toys
And fly your sleigh
Without exploiting the reindeer
and elves
and elves
and

Reindeer with noses of color
Shouldn't have to work harder than all the others
Sleigh-guiding leaves them stressed
Get some LEDs and a GPS

Gender non-conforming elves
shouldn't be ghettoized and made to work outside
in the harsh conditions in groundskeeper positions
that you made up because you couldn't decide
which assembly line to assign:
girls' tea party sets or boys' fighter jets?

(It's time you)
Move beyond the binary
Integrate your factory--
You'll find greater diversity
makes for greater harmony.

And you have the ability
to pay everybody equitably
and offer benefits
that extend to our families.

Then Mrs Claus says, "Nick,
we all deserve respect;
you can learn to show it to us if you try.
If you don't recognize their union
you can kiss yours and mine goodbye.

"Jingle bells
Jingle bells
Jingle your own damn bells, damn bells
Jingle your own bells
Tinker away at your toys
And fly your sleigh
Without your wife
and the reindeer
and elves
and elves
and elves!"

Nick acquiesced to our requests
Then in a week or so he resigned
and moved out to the guest house
And in his absence, we've been
more productive somehow...
Maybe it's because
Mrs Claus is Santa now!

Jingle bells...