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Harfax: Who the Hell Is He?

Harfax Chaddish Johnson was born in Stillwater, Oklahoma in 1975. His father, Johnathon Johnworthy Johnson, owned two rubber factories and was an abusive alcoholic. His wife eventually ran away when Harfax was 4. She had named Harfax after her parents, Hardy and Faxalina.
Harfax was born into complete darkness at 11:59 p.m. on Friday the 13th of June, due to a series of tornadoes that ripped Stillwater, knocking out power. This caused his father to believe his son was "cursed by gremlins" and led to repeated "exorcisms" conducted by some of the father's employees. J.J.J. ran his factories with an iron fist, and the employees would do anything to appease him. Harfax didn't speak to him at all - if he did, he was severely punished.
Harfax turned to music to fill the void of his existence. He wrote his first song, Shark Warped (to the tune of Time Warp), at the age of 11 while working a night watch job in one of his father's plants on school nights. After flunking out of school in 1990, Harfax ran away from home during an ill-advised attempt to locate pop star Sheena Easton. Harfax had watched Ms. Easton's music video, Strut, for 26 straight hours on a borrowed VCR and decided she was the key to his music career.* Harfax never met her but was arrested while trying to find her house. Harfax then fell into a cult and moved to the country of Chad in Africa. Harfax later admitted in an interview he didn't realize they were taking him out of the country. "I thought they said, 'Hey, we're all going to Chad's' but I guess they said 'Chad.'" Harfax learned new rhythms while living in the mountains of Chad and a new way of hearing music. It was during this time he legally changed his middle name to Chaddish. Following two years in Chad, Harfax became very ill after ingesting some bad peanut sauce. Near death, the other cult members abandoned Harfax, believing him to be "cursed by gremlins." Harfax recovered thanks to the efforts of a kind nurse named Akello. Harfax later wrote a love song called Hello Akello (to Lionel Richie's tune Hello) in tribute to the woman who saved his life.
Fully recovered from the peanut sauce incident, Harfax hiked and hitchhiked his way to the African Coast. He stowed away on a ship and returned to the U.S. Harfax traveled around the Western U.S. while working odd jobs such as lumberjack, coin cleaner, turnip farmer and porcupine euthanizer. Harfax was fired from the last job when it was learned he was setting all the porcupines free. This caused a massive porcupine overpopulation that one small Wyoming town is still plagued with today.
Harfax finally returned to Stillwater in 2000 after 5 counseling sessions with a parapsychologist. Harfax called his return "cathartic" in his as yet unpublished autobiography, Harfax: Fax and Fixion. In 2007, Harfax moved to Indiana to co-write with two friends named Luke and Matt. Today, their parody songs are loved by dozens. Harfax is still waiting for his big break. This nearly happened during the summer of 2008 when Harfax was scheduled to perform I Kissed an Earl on a well-known late night talk show. However, Harfax was bumped at the last minute when the show was able to book Richety Dip, the Human Potato Chip as their entertainment instead. Harfax now resides in Indiana working with his co-writers.
Harfax's father lost most of his fortune in an ill-advised goat meat investment in the late 90s and is now drunk and penniless in a state-run nursing home. He was interviewed about his son in 2006 by an entertainment magazine and called Harfax "an evil idiot." When asked if he loves his son, Harfax's father ended the interview.
* Though Strut was released in 1984, Harfax never saw the video until 1990. J.J.J. had posted a list of forbidden things in Harfax's room called "The Devil's Grocery List." These things included any form of music, movies, television, mouthwash, and licorice.

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